I DO have a painting finished. Titled, “Light House,” it is sitting on my mantle right now…a place where paintings seem to go for a period of waiting to know the WHEN and HOW. Still waiting. Sometimes the waiting is hard because I am too excited to give; this time the waiting is hard because…there is a sense of…well, nothingness.
It’s like a wind storm came, and the power is out….meanwhile, back in my soul…the darkness hides me…
And now I find that the longer I wait with this painting on my mantle the more time I have to entertain doubt. And questions. And anxiety.
- “Your art isn’t amazing. You could do better.”
- “It is TOO WEIRD. They will feel obligated to put it up.”
- “Are you sure this was God’s idea? I don’t even get it.”
Even if I felt that I am 100% safe to make a mistake, who is the final word on whether it actually is one or not? ME?!
The not knowing what to do next is hard. The impulse to be skilled, relevant, and great by covering up the canvas and starting over tempts me like a sudden power surge.
I guess the question really is…What is God saying here? What is He doing? What do I do when the light is dim?
“Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life.” [James 1:12]
Right. So it’s as easy as dancing in the rain. I see the downpour. I have always wanted to defy it. I can clearly imagine how freeing it would be to go through with it, but as soon as the opportunity presents itself, I realize how incredibly cold and wet it would be to take the leap. I get my umbrella and rubber boots, but it’s just not the same. I have to remember why I wanted to do it in the first place. And the questions begin…
And then, for a moment, the sky opens up above me and I am showered with light, the world above more real than the world below. And I realize again, as I seem to need to be reminded…to look up again. To soak in whatever is falling, whether light or rain. And throw off the umbrella of what so easily hinders.
Today that is simply this: The devil doesn’t like my art.